‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
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Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?