Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.