I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
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ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Bike is short for Bichael.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.