self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
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Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.