Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
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Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Muppet Screams
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.