math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
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dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I have obtained a hat
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Spring cleaning checklist…
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
fixed it