The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
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I used to be married, but I’m better now
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen