Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
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This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention