I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
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I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
it was a valiant fight
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
*seductively peels off lederhosen
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.