PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.