Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
You Might Also Like
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.