I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
You Might Also Like
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
This week’s mood.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.