Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
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Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me: