In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents