The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
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why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?