good morning
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When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult