ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
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30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
No selfies while hijacking a train.