No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
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Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?