My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
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a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Saturday
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.