My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
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it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
kitchen magnet
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.