SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
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I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No