A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
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A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I know this now 😂
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit