Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
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I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
#growingpains
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It