HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
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Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year