I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
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Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.