[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
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Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
BRAKING NEWS!!
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
There is no “we” in pizza
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
real
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
6: are snakes just neck?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Only short people can save us
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70