Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
You Might Also Like
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
People will say they don鈥檛 want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I鈥檓 eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
This sweet pup found a new friend 馃枻
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it鈥檚 dating the director
when dads have a rap battle
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Good morning, Twitter 馃槉
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I鈥檓 married.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it鈥檚 full of rice so i can dry off*
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.