I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
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I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Thursday Thought.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die