If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
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Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?