Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
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that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.