[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
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how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine