My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.