Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
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I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!