Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
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In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
The news in a nutshell.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]