Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
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My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
So the ex texted me
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant