Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
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Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.