I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
You Might Also Like
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?