Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.