God making man in his image was the original selfie
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best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself