I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
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Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them