My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
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Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)