we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
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*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?