Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
You Might Also Like
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids