Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
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I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.