I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Oh my God.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Saw online –
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Still my favorite headline of all time: