I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?