How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
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[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
i did the math
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My current situation
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Finally, an explanation.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Well, that didn’t work.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.