Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
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date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today