This is a bad idea on so many levels.
You Might Also Like
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
🤣🤣🤣
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.