Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
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May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj